| | i have bright pictures from a recent vacation...but I don't feel like looking at them. perhaps i'll share about SD and the dead sea scrolls at a less reflective and contemplative hour.
recently, i've struggled with questions i cannot seem to find the answer to. why am i the way i am? is this what life is supposed to be like? what am I supposed to be?
1. grad school.
nothing has been more enriching and devastating than grad school. I finished year 4 out of six. I felt like quitting since year 2. Of course, I learned a lot. I have degrees. great. But everyday, I struggle--with the scrutiny of superiors to form you in their own way, the vagabond life i have to live of not knowing where I'll be six months from now, or a year from now, and...of course, the fact that I am about to be 25+ and make no money. Although it is unrelated, I can't help to sometimes confuse my monetary input to the family to my level of industriousness and self-worth. It is what someone called the "Moses' Desert Experience--The Place where Humility is Born and Character is Honed." I wake up every day, and think to myself, "am i out of the desert yet? Dangit. another two years."
Sometimes I think mike is in the same place. The next three years will be filled with studying, tests, papers, etc. Sometimes, he wonders where the time goes.
In my lowest point this week, I thought about what would cheer me up. I thought, "hm...a million dollars in the mail." Yesterday i got a parcel. No sender. "OMG...a million dollars?" I open it up. It's a book. I wrote a chapter in this book about a year and a half ago, and it came today. This was the only sign i needed. It was meaningful--one day, there will be a blessing for all this work. One day far from today.
Who would have thought a book on infidelity would cheer me up?
2. after grad school-now what?
what do I want to do? what do I want to be? I like my day job or potential day job but can i do this for life? or even for 10 years? am i called to full-time ministry? If i work don't work at all, is that bad?
3. The body over mind effect.
It's supposed to be other way around. My mom always commented I have twiggy feet bones. It's looks kind of true through an X ray. Years ago, someone asked me what is the most beautiful part of my body, in my opinion. I answered, "My feet." I showed them my feet, and they were in awe. Now, mike calls me fiona because I have a foot the size of Shrek's head. Here's the break:
You can't really see it in a photo. the 3rd metatarsal has a fracture that is 2/3rds of the way through at the thick point of the bone.
I feel like a hypocrite to hate on birds now. Human feet kind of look like bird-feet. Oh, so gross. I hate birds. They're so lame!
4. Niko?
Okay, I can't bash Niko because too many people close to me swear by it. I went to bishop in the spring and thought it was hell on earth but ironically icy. At the climax of the trip where I was supposed to know the meaning of life, I was overly consumed with my stinging sun burn and frosbite. I missed the whole experience. So...i think the next few months will be my real life niko. I plan on going on missions as planned with my broken foot, then climbing the Mayan ruins. We'll see if this happens.
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| | Posted 8/1/2007 8:47 PM - 93 Views - 18 eProps - 12 comments
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